Hi, I feel blogging is an extremely self indulgent activity ... But I do love it! My musings about life are more of a way of releasing that which is aggravating me on that day or that time and if it helps you then feel free to bimble along with my rantings and written words.
Today I found myself checking up on some people who I have let go of in my life and it did me no good what so ever. So I decided to look deeper into why I have this trait of constantly second guessing my decisions from the past. I suffer with terrible imposter syndrome - which is where you never feel good enough and you constantly feel that others are more knowledgeable than you or they deserve their successes, whereas you don't. It comes from a lifetime of living without positive reinforcement or being told "you're good". Please don't get the violins out for me I don't write this for sympathy, but merely for understanding why I sabotage myself and let others feel they have more of a right to their successes than I do.
I have several degrees under my belt, numerous certificates and professional qualifications yet they are still not good enough to prove to me how wonderful I am! No matter how much I achieve I will always doubt myself - SO how do I stop holding myself back?
We are naturally drawn to being humble, it is historically ingrained into us not to flaunt our successes, it is seen as vulger - I have written about the history of social confinements many times and it is important to notice out of date social structures which are "holding us back". These structures are crumbling and bless the new generations for shedding them off like a dog in the spring! It is amazing to see the generations of my own children and younger, coming through with a new and interesting stance on life. Young girls/women no longer put up with the misogyny that my generation literally ignored so that we could not cause a fuss! People are causing a FUSS about their identities and pronouns and who they are and I love seeing the FUSS as it is breaking down the rusty social structures from the past.
Yet behind this generation is a generation of warriors, Stood with their backs bent shielding and stopping centuries of social wrongs from continuing downwards. Absorbing all the wrongs from the past and shouting "NO MORE"! We have stood and paused the flow so that our children can learn to live without the social confines of our ancestors, our backs are broken and we are lost and or forgotten. We are the silent heroes who do not even know what we have done. We feel like a disappointment to our elders and viewed weak from the younger generations ... so no wonder I/we struggle with our successes and recognition. If you have read this far then well done you! But now is the time we should stop holding ourselves back!
Recognise who you are, if you cut people from your life you did it because you were strong and needed to self preserve yourself from their toxicity. Many of us draw toxic people to us because we are "pleasers", and we can't say no to people who we know are manipulating us. We are the wallflowers who want to hide away and just be seen as good. Well fuck that shit! No more - No more attracting the narcissists, the users and the good old fashioned messed up knob heads. Each day I tell myself how proud I am, it can't make up for all the times I never heard it but it is a start!
Remember, being you is awesome and if those around you don't tell you that you are better off walking away, until you find your tribe where you can feel like you. My mantra every day is
"Be the person you want to be, not who you think you have to be".
So many people out there will put you in a box of who they think you are and it is so important for you to be truthful to yourself and never fit into a box just because you feel you cannot speak up. I will never, again, change who I am to make someone else's life easier, I will always offer to help and support but never at the cost of losing who I am. If they can't handle who I am then step away, I don't need you in my life... I am far too important!
Thank you x